We Three Kings...

Up in Heaven, I wonder if it gets confusing. Especially for white people from the US South. Jesus is the King. Elvis is the King. Is there a special Graceland section for people who worship King Elvis more? Worst part is, I'll probably never know. Also - does El wear his TCB sunglasses in Heaven?

  One thing is for sure, if I were King of Everything, I'd have some new, immutable, unbreakable laws. Some stuff in life is just wrong. Somebody fucked up and they are not taking calls on it. Somebody is a huge asshole. I don't want to be any worse than I am all ready, so no more waiting. Here's how I'd make life much sweeter -

The New & Improved Universal Laws

1. No more physical cruelty, torture, rape or reality shows. Involving any species.  If you even think of it twice in the same lifetime, you get dead.

2. Want children? First, you need to pass the innate/intuitive test. Every year for four years. Like high school. If you graduate, you apply to a special parenting college. Four more years, this time with books. No study? no pass? no kids. NO adding to the gene pool or car pool. Only smarties need apply.

3. Once a human reaches puberty, you get special sex education. Special sex classes. Special sex camps. You know you want it. There are more ways to get it on than baby sex. Learn how, have fun. Major design flaw #1 addressed.

4. Second major design flaw: Menses are part of the biological process. OK. But no more cramps.  Not fair, not cool. No more PMS. More smiles. End of story.

5. No war. No guns, knives, bows arrows, pea shooters, slingshots (sorry David) etc. No boxing (creepy) or MMA (extra creepy). And noooooooo wrestling. You know why and you know it. You wanna fight? Hitch a ride to Mars. See New & Improved Universal Law #1.

6. All food that tastes good is good for you. Food that tastes like dirt, mainly because it is dirt, is bad. Only green food allowed is Lime jello & JellyBabies watermelon. If I can get kiwis with no hair - them too. Anything else green - goes in the big green dumpsters. You heard me.

7. College sports will only be allowed for college students and their families. No coaches over age 29. If you're so good - get a job in the NFL, CFL, UFL, AFL and your fucking back yard.

8. No Vegas or Reno. You want to gamble sporty - go to Monte Carlo. Can't get there? Tough. Learn to play Mah Jong. Native Americans get the 7 middle states to act native in, no casinos chief. Have your own country. See how you like it.

9. No slavery, retroactively. Not all slaves were black by the way. If you went to school and learned to read you'd know. Now you don't need to. My family has a better life here than in the old country. Yours does too.

10. Coming up with this shit is harder than I thought.  I need a part 2. First, I need a siesta. Hey! siestas for everybody. Every day. Every where.

To Be Continued.